Author, Musician, Engineer, Lover

What does it really mean to be “crazy”?

Being the toxically introspective person I can often be, I have been recently pondering the definition of the term “crazy” in an effort to more succinctly summarize the concepts contained within my lame-ass book I finished last year.

If we are asked to imagine a “crazy person” in our head, most of us would imagine a psychopath… violent maybe… murderous…. angry… confused… ugly, outside and in. But… this definition of “crazy”… something we might label someone as an insult… isn’t really the ONLY kind of “crazy” we can imagine.

Imagine, for a moment, someone who you might think is “crazy”… but is the complete polar opposite of all those stereotypes. Someone loving, caring, compassionate, charming, beautiful, gentle, and kind…. but in a way that is completely “batshit insane” to use a colorful expression. Someone who offers intense, deep, love, and understanding to everyone they meet to an intense, ABNORMALLY DEEP level…. someone who will pour their heart out into you on the phone for 10 hours straight, and then act disappointed when it is time to hang up the phone so that you can get 30-minutes of sleep before work… Mix in an intense fear of abandonment, a “high conflict personality”, and dissociative disorders…. and there you have what’s called a “demure borderline personality”.

How badly could such a person fuck with your head?

In a nutshell, the fallout from this stuff is what I’ve been dealing with this last year, and is the source of my PTSD and my 450-page book… a daily account of dealing with just 90-days of this COMPLETE UTTER MESS … 11-years ago.

If I have one bit of related advice for people in relationships (as if I’m an expert)… it is this: Don’t seek relationships from people who will treat you “nice”…. seek relationships from people who treat you “special”. Two different things. You might think, “this person is nice to me, I want to marry them!”… but make sure that you’re also “special”… maybe they just treat EVERYONE nice…and you will eventually figure out that you’re not “special” at all…. and realizing this will absolutely SHATTER a healthy heart.

This kind of person is a people pleaser who invites emotional ruin to the TEAMS of people who are emptying their souls trying to take care of them… Nothing is ever enough, nothing is ever good enough… nobody is ever worthy…. yet here you are, having the most emotionally intense exchanges of your life with someone who fills you up with love and affection and compliments… yet… you’re not SPECIAL. Winning her heart is a contest, a battle with extremely high stakes… expensive in every definition of the word… and if you get in too deep, it will permanently alter the course of your life… as it did mine.

I’m not plugging my book here… I don’t want you to read it… but thanks for listening.

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