Author, Musician, Engineer, Lover

Enlightening Psychology Today Article Helps Explain Why My Book Exists

A quote from a Psychology Today article that I found meaningful:

“[A ‘split’ person] while intellectually knowing that the other is acting out in an unacceptable, and sometimes dangerous, manner begins to doubt their own sanity. This is because the person being split begins to mirror the traits and behaviors of the borderline character s/he is experiencing in reaction to, and sometimes in an effort to manage, the behavior with which s/he is confronted; something that I refer to as the counter-borderline character.”

I went through some “shit” 2021. We all go through some shit. My shit messed with my head enough that I wrote a damn book about the events that shaped me psychologically for 10 years. My book primarily covers 2011, and everything that happens until the Epilogue takes place in 2011, but the real-life end… the “end” that finally triggered me to publish this book… happened in 2021, during the Covid pandemic. I question every day as to if I deserve to tell my story (“Imposter Syndrome”). Many of you have been through worse, through tragedy, loss of life, limb, divorce, health. I merely lost my head and heart.

Do I deserve to tell my story? Well… we all deserve to tell our stories. All that is required of us is our own willingness to tell them. We write in our own blogs, publish our books, hang our paintings, and play our music… and it is your choice to read, look, and listen, or not.

I am regularly confronted by people who seem to think that it was WRONG of me to write a book… as-if it is an act of abuse. Maybe it is, in fact, an abusive act. The publishing of this book is both a act of masochism and sadism. No, it will not make “Inari’s” life easier to have her dirty laundry aired out publicly, and it will not help my own life either. My book is full of unpopular opinions, that were unpopular in 2011, and are even more unpopular in today. Men in society are still expected to have armor that stands up to constant abuse and are disallowed from having complaints about the abuse they experience from women.

Whether these thoughts I had in my head were GOOD or BAD, JUST or UNJUST… the emotional and psychological stress I was under was real… I had thoughts in my head, and I just needed to get them out, on paper, and packaged… metaphorically shrink-wrapped… so that they could be put away. Despite tons of work on my mental health, the trauma and PTSD I now deal with, daily, months after I was discarded, and years after the conclusion of this book, still causes me to question every morning whether to wear my belt around my waist or around my neck. Releasing my book built an unpassable wall between me and the person who hurt me. In doing this, I guaranteed that she will never come back and that I will never be allowed to return to her. This is the principal value that this book brought to me.

I ask myself every day… “maybe I’m borderline myself” … Am I? Well… this article right here helped me figure out what my “character” actually is. Yuki, from my book, “How to Sacrifice Your Lover”, is the counter-borderline character.. he is the “split person”. He is the person who was once light, but is now dark. Although this article is written in very technical language, if you can imagine, it describes to perfection what I went through and why I needed to write this book.

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